Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Evening lights.

I declared the end between us, but still I could not leave. I stayed that last night because of sadness, fear, and attachment. Over and over again we called it quits. I suppose in the worst of times all I can think of are the nights you would hold me close and I felt truly appreciated, essentially loved. We both spoke upon our love for each other, I remember it still so clearly. We said it in dire times when you had someone else on your platter. I said I would wait for you. I did. Do you remember when you told me you wanted to get a place together? I do. Then I saw the disintegration of who I thought you to be, money brought on the worst of you, the selfishness, the greed, the distaste. I also those around you back away, you weren't who they remembered. I can only assume that is how we ended up here now. There is no one to blame but myself for the bad decisions I made with you in mind. Perhaps I cling to you because of what grew inside of me, and perhaps you cling to me because I was your first for everything. Youth is not everlasting, we both knew it would bring about our end. You took on other women such as a young harlot with no soul who fought to ruin us because of selfishness and greed and you took on to her childish pathetic games. When I chose to take on disillusionment. I laid next to others in bed trying to escape the hole you created that kept sucking me in. Whenever I would think that I found a bright light at the end of the tunnel without you in it, you would force yourself back into my life. You begged, you pleaded, you left flowers- you were relentless. I have a weak heart, I hate to admit, so I would come running back. Which is stronger? Fear? or Love? One of the two keeps driving us back into each others beds and arms. Sometimes I look at those scars on my arms and my legs, those that I did because of you, and I hate myself. Constantly I battle against the weakness that always seems to grow and fester inside, I sometimes think it will never be a winning battle. So- I called it quits. I said that I never wanted to hear from you again, then I went the longest I think I ever have without texting you or calling you, and I was okay. As if a carrier pigeon knew, he brought the message back to you that I was moving on, and like clock-work, you tried to reel me in again. You brought about your words as if to reassure yourself I was still there. You would call just to say, "I love you", you haven't stopped.

You won't stop.

You know that I am weak.

So I laid with you again just one moon ago.

You've brought me right back to the dark hole. I spoke to my heart and it told me that it so badly wants to be loved back, but my mind fought back and with logic said there was truly no hope left for the pieces to be picked up again. I guess this is growing up and saying goodbye, or trying to.

1 comment:

  1. our stories are very similar! I feel your pain. It is amazing how they just keep trying to drag us back in like we are some kind of disposable object. Stay strong. I have. Its the best decision I have ever made. Men like these, never change. don't believe the hype. My name is Krissie from prettier in black. If you even need to vent, just holler.