Judy and the dream of horses.

I put lots of different masks on myself.

I try and be a lot of different people, always hoping for better outcomes, and I always come up short.

There is loud Patrice, quiet Patrice, hipster Patrice, hip hop Patrice, scenester Patrice, party-girl Patrice. I don't know if I truely am any of these people.

I remember who I was before all this, first year of college, so naive- ugh. I was the quiet, ultra sweet, shy girl who could not express anger to save her life and had anxiety attacks on the daily. I don't necessarily want to be that girl again, but I am just trying to figure who I am going to be NOW. It's all so clouded. I figured that I had matured over these years, especially in habits- but that is far far from the truth. Within a second I am 18 year old Patrice all over again.

I just want to wake up and be OKAY. I am not even asking for happiness, I am asking for the bare minimum.

I need to get all the pills out of my apartment and I need to get a counseler. I have ignored a lot of stuff for a long time. As a person, I love to internalize things, even if something is someone else's fault completely, I will blame the entire thing on myself. I need to stop. I need to start caring about myself for once, for the first time in my life.

To start-

I will no longer continue drinking, because I began for bad reasons.
I am quiting Burlesque, because I don't need or want to objectify myself to an audience.

My mama and I hangout a lot more. She called me last night to try and get me to open up about what was going on, but I just couldn't, I am very awkward with that kind of stuff with family. She knows this of course, and she started telling me about her first husband..etc.. well the moral of the story is that she told me one day I would find someone. It sounds like nothing, but this is like ground breaking coming from my mom, she has never talked to me like that, and it meant a lot.

So much of me wants to be able to cuddle up on the couch with her every night like I used to and watch Lifetime movies with her and just be that chubby 16 year old with few cares in the world.

Maybe I am just an angsty teen stuck in a 21 year old body.