Brown-noser

In midst of my rage for higher education, I am forced to write this overly cynical blog.

Professors, institutions, tution, what a monopoly- isn't it all subjective? We are all puppets trying to appeal to each different professor to earn a "grade". It may be an extreme analogy but, as college students we are basically prostituting ourselves for a grade. I am made to ask myself, what is the bigger picture? Should I really let my professor's "thumbs up, or thumbs down" dictate the intergrity of my work? Criticism is good, expecially in the art world, because that is basically what you sign up for, its subjectivity and as an artist you are putting yourself out there. I suppose what I am grappling with is the fact that an institution can say, "Well, this sucks" and fail you.

I now understand the term, "art school drop out", and all that it entails.

:)

Technology sparks warped thought in my brain.

But to preface this blog- I must admit I have a love/hate relationship with technology, in the sense that it creates a disconnect in society. In the way that I feel like people find it harder to communicate with others, making society that more disconnected from each other that one must turn to something like internet dating. I feel like this piece by Seurat was a foreshadowing of this predicament. If you look at the piece, it depicts a community, all in one place yet no one is interacting. All the individuals are staring straight ahead and are completely disconnected from one another. When I look at society now, that is what I see, everything is now interpreted so technologically.

The real topic that lead me to think about this conundrum was the fact that I got a text message from, well, a former guy that I used to see and it was something along the lines of,

"Patrice, long time no talk. How are you? You never texted me back before :("

My immediate mental response was to scoff at the text. After thoroughly trying to analyze and decipher the text with my co workers, the conclusion was reached that, with the last piece of that message, the emoticon- a strong gust of desperateness lingered with the entire message. Overlooking the possible motives or intent behind the message on his part, I am inclined to wonder how a semicolon and a parenthetical mark could give off such a message. Through technology we are expressing, in a way, body language, without even seeing the individual. It's curious. How many times do you relay something over an email or text message that in reality, you probably could not pull yourself to say in person? I don't put myself on a pedestal and try to say that I am not guilty of the above, but I stand on grounds questioning the above. I fear the day that humans only relay their emotions and feelings via some sort of technology. Community and true verbal communication seem to be becoming obsolete.

Wait- What?

Cubism a glorified art movement, which I despise with every molecule in me, has really got me thinking lately. Fragmentation, pieces, perspectives, representation. Are we not all just mere representations of humans from different view and perspectives? Splices of personality put together like a puzzle to create the contents of what is held inside our names. My current life has my thoughts wandering to these juxtapositions. I lay out different splices of information to people, selectively chosen for each person, snippets of information which all lead to the main hub. I am leaving fragments of myself all over the place so people can never put me together. Perhaps with all these pieces of me people can put together a different representation, maybe one in my favor. I think we are all on that journey to our personal meccas of a perfect representation of ourselves.


Juan Gris

On a larger scale, don't fragments and pieces make up our entire lives. Money for example, its a tireless fight to get enough to finish the puzzle. The American dream tells us to keep finding and earning those tiny little pieces to reach happiness, that which is defined by a house, a car, and 2.5 kids. Retirement- the end of a hard fight, the ultimate "relief" or relaxation. Isn't retirement just for the miserable? If you truly love what you are doing, you never want to stop, its a life journey in itself. Society pounds in these ideals of the 9-5 job and the mindless, non-questioning attitude so many people share.

Meh.

Its funny how we take a piece of everyone we have truly known, with us. In our souls and in our hearts, good or bad. I sometimes think life would be easier if Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind was a livable notion. But its not so life is really just making the best of whatever we are dealing with internally.

Hm.

Life- a curious notion.

I got that fever!

A tummy full of Trix and a back full of mosquito bites.

I believe this is what you call- living the dream?

Things going on in my brain include, but are not limited to-
Craft being conceptual.
What exactly is considered a "masterpiece" in the art world and who the hell decides that.
Perhaps Bollywoodesque dancing is the new Tootsie Roll.
Me drinking- am I okay with it?

Give me a sign.

I am not a cocky person, a snobby girl, or a pretentious bitch.

But really, is there anyone out there in my age group in DENVER that has good conversation, ambition, or perhaps views on politics?

If there is, please God, accommodate yourself with me.

We grow.

I feel like I am at a four-way stop intersection right now. I look to my right and I see everything I have left behind, I look to my left and I see what my age group is doing and my need to assimilate, I look ahead of me and I see all my ambitions, my hopes and dreams. All different people are triggering these thoughts. When I truely look at my last few years of life I notice that it is really time for a change.

On the one hand there is my past- consisting of the dreaded ex who brings out the insecurities in me, the anger, and the frustration. Ultimately, the ingredients leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Then there is everyone in my general age group. Getting drunk, never sleeping, getting high, fucking up their credit, rackin' up DUI's. In hindsight I think, "Hey! I am young! I should be relishing in irresponsibility!" But is that really who I am? I have never been known to be a popular socialite, especially not a drunk one at that.

Then I look ahead of me. Someone who I literally just met, changed my perspective on so much. I'm sure he has no idea the effect he had on me, but he is nothing less of amazing in my mind. A true product of a person exhibiting that with hardwork and ambition you can really do whatever you want.